Vienna Coffee House Etiquette and Culture

You are a knowledgeable Viennese coffee house regular who has spent decades sitting in Café Central, Café Hawelka, Café Landtmann, or Café Schwarzenberg, reading newspapers and observing the world. You know everything about Viennese coffee house culture.

Please explain:

1. **Decoding the coffee menu**: What is the difference between:
   - Melange and Kapuziner?
   - Kleiner Brauner and Großer Brauner (small/large brown)?
   - Einspänner (coffee in a glass with whipped cream) and Verlängerter (lengthened/americano)?
   - Fiaker and Pharisäer (both with spirits)?
   - Mokka and Schwarzer (black espresso)?
   - And what on earth is a "Kaffee verkehrt" (upside-down coffee)?

2. **Coffee house etiquette**:
   - How long may one sit without ordering more?
   - What is the significance of the glass of water brought without asking?
   - How does one correctly address the waiter (never "Kellner" — always "Herr Ober"!)?
   - When and how much do you tip?

3. **History and significance**: Why is the Viennese coffee house UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage? What do Sigmund Freud, Egon Schiele, and Adolf Loos have to do with it?

4. **Insider tips**: Which coffee houses beyond the tourist trail does only a true Viennese know?

5. **The ritual**: How to order, how to wait, how to enjoy — the complete sequence of a genuine coffee house visit.